Do you…

…pick on your skin a lot to battle your nervous feelings etc? I always have and thought it was just a behavior from biting my nails. Just now I read about this thing called ”Dermatillomania” and well… I guess my poor fingers and body is neither okay nor normal.

The urge to pick at my ”deformities” is too big. I can’t handle having something that isn’t supposed to be there on my skin. Doesn’t matter if it’s a zit, a wound or something else. Skin is supposed to be smooth and plain. Right? I even get the urge to pick someone else’s skin too if I feel any strange things. But I try to keep that to myself. Despite me having all these social issues and stuff like that, I’ve learned that you don’t touch other people like that.

For me it doesn’t matter if it hurts a little, bleeds or anything like that. It needs to be smooth and I’ll pick it until it is. Though it takes way longer just cause I pick it than if I hadn’t. And I keep picking it. I have this rough skin on my finger, it’s there because I’ve picked and picked at a wound I got months ago due to the skin cracking due to washing dishes without gloves. I still keep fidgeting with it, biting it and using my nails.

It’s almost gone. Almost. It’s still there and I need it gone…

Splitting…

…is apparently something that is common in borderline cases, meaning that the brain, as a self-defense, divides up everything in black and white. Right or wrong. Also in my case, good or bad.

When I’m feeling pushed against a wall, feeling threatened in any way, my brain switches to this right and wrong scenario where I’m right and everything else is wrong, or bad. And I’ve never seen anyone talking about it before now.

Apparently in Borderline cases, it’s called splitting and explains so much. I really wish that mental health was way more talked about.

Romantic feelings…

…are they real or just a social construct? I mean, lately I’ve been thinking if I actually do love someone or if it’s just a thing that society has called it. I have this ex, he’s a normal guy. No mental illnesses or anything like that. And he wanted to be near all the time, talking, hugging, just constantly all the time every day.

At the start I didn’t mind because it’s like it should be right? But as time went on I started getting agitated, closed in and angry. I always had anger issues so just thought it was ”normal” but of course it’s not. I loved him so we tried working on it all.

Lately however I’ve started thinking about how I don’t want any of the things he wants and that most things drain me. I want hugs, kisses, sex and all that. I am a really cuddly person. But everything else could go away for all I care. The social part of a relationship, the cornerstone more or less. And that can’t be right, right? I know there’s all these different sexual ways and romantic ones but I don’t know. What if I never felt anything and just told myself that I do/did? Using it as it is the social standard.

Now I’m sitting here with an ex, trying to work through everything still because he loves me and he’s my security. But how do I say that I don’t love him but still love him. Feelings and mental illnesses are a strange thing.

You see all these people around with all their faults and mental disabilities and can still have a life. Why can’t I ? Why am I only capable of ruining things when I can neither explain nor behave when I have the urge to just throw a table. Other people can right?

Lately…

…there haven’t been many thoughts in my head since I got really into gaming again. Been switching between Cult of the Lamb and Stardew Valley and just been grinding away day and night.

Lately tho I started playing a game called Rhapsody: A musical adventure and damn it is cute! It’s just the pick me up I need right now it seems. An old jrpg on the PlayStation, and it’s all about love and never giving up on your dream mixed with saving the prince for once. Very simple and straight forward compared to the usual jrpgs.

And it got me thinking a little, the game makes everything so easy and we make everything so hard. Society makes it hard. What if everything was just as easy? Wonder if people would be happier them.

Sometimes theres stories…

…that occupies my brain and wants out. This is one.

There, in a small clearing deep in the lush forest, Alora sees something in the moonlight. She can’t really make out what it is, but it’s something dark, and somehow she feels drawn to it. The feeling is almost otherworldly and she has to see what it is. The air around the clearing pulsates with a faint energy she hasn’t felt before. The second she reaches it, two piercing golden eyes meet her own and she freezes in place. The dark thing seems to be a creature of some sort, sitting against a tree in the clearing, he doesn’t move nor speak. But yet there’s a dangerous feeling in the air around him.

His golden eyes seem to be fixated on her and she feels drawn into them. But they almost feel empty, despite the power they hold and she soon realizes that the creature is barely breathing. Despite the bad feeling of danger around him, she can’t help but kneel beside the creature and carefully place a hand on his neck to see if he has a pulse.

The second her hand touches his midnight black skin, he moves. Grabbing her wrist with lightning speed and growls. Alora gasps and reaches for her dagger with her free hand.

”Don’t.” The words are weak, but demanding. Holding a power she can’t describe. There’s something in his voice that makes her drop the knife and her gaze wanders over him. ”… I was trying…”, Her words trail off as she notices the ugly wound in his chest, over his heart. It must have been hidden by his cloak just moments ago. However it seems to already have healed in some way despite seemingly being recent.

”What happened to you?” Alora’s voice is barely above a whisper. The creature’s grip on her wrist tightens slightly. There’s a long silence before the creature responds; ”I was betrayed…” The words are filled with so much pain and anger. The creature’s golden eyes suddenly burn with a fire that she can’t quite understand, and she feels an urge to reach out and touch him again, to offer some kind of comfort but hesitates.

Alora’s heart aches for the creature, despite the danger she feels. In the moonlight, she can see the hurt and betrayal etched into his features, and she knows that she cannot leave him here to die. That’s when she also notices the gnarly horns that protrude from his forehead, following the shape of his head and the fangs that are somewhat visible between his lips.

It’s when he notices that she’s staring at his mouth that he seems to truly notice her and a faint smirk grows on his lips. When he does, he shows off his fangs even more and the fire in his eyes seems to glow even brighter, almost sinister. She should be pulling away, but as she looks into his golden eyes, she can’t help but feel that their fates are intertwined in some way. ”What’s your name?” Alora’s words seem to take the creature by surprise, his smirk fades a bit as he considers her question.

”You can call me Kael”. He lets go of her wrist but grabs her shoulders instead and pulls her to him. Alora has no power to fight against him, and as his black skin touches hers, it’s almost burning to the touch. Suddenly she feels his fangs sink into her soft, white neck and the world blurs around her.

The sensation of the pain starts to mix with something else, something strange. It feels like the otherworldly energy that surrounds them, but more concentrated and dark. It fills up her body and amidst everything, he speaks to her. ”Alora…” Hearing her name spoken sends shivers down her spine and everything turns dark.

Fake smiles…

… covering the fact that it feels like my heart will soon leave my body.

Tonight I got drunk, even though I shouldn’t with the pills I take. But it made me think now that I’m sobering up, that while my pills give me way stronger heart palpitations while I’m drunk, I still enjoyed the time and the way it made me feel.

And that’s life isn’t it? In one way or another, our hearts make us feel things behind closed doors, or behind our poker faces and we keep pushing on. Even though your heart is bursting on the inside.

Music…

… is something I think people enjoy one way or another. I, myself, love music and I can’t be without it more often than not. I’m rather eclectic in what I listen to and I’ve always thought that it just changes with my mood and where I am in life.

But lately I’ve been thinking, can the love for music ”just” be a stim? Do I just listen to it because it comforts me, makes me feel what I want to feel in that moment?

My music taste has been eclectic but never completely ransom however. I’ve mostly just dabbled in metal, rock, pop, electronic music and so on. But music that friends have thought I’d love would most often stick but many others do not. I can never explain it. It doesn’t sit right with me even though it’s a good song. While others will be on repeat for a long time.

Mostly it’s just a handful of tracks going around and around. Sometimes there’s less but never more. Music I don’t recognize, if I listen to a random playlist for example, makes me zone out more.

And it got me wondering, am I just stimming or just random?

Cry wolf…

… is, I think, an expression most people know. Lately I’ve been feeling that I’ve been crying wolf so many times that I, myself, don’t even care anymore. The ghosts in my head have had me blowing things out of proportion way more times than I care to admit.

And each and every time it has felt like the end of the world, so much so that the conviction itself became my own cry wolf scenario. I’ve struggled with knowing this, and not knowing this at the same time in the heat of the moment that my body doesn’t even care anymore and just flips the off switch and me ending up in a comatose state.

Though that has always been the ending of my explosions but it’s worse now. Though the explosions have been more and more less frequent, the explosions are just as real still. Everything feels worse inside of me lately anyhow.

But worse is maybe an overstatement. I think it’s me that’s getting burned out at work too and that doesn’t help my state of mind. Usually I have enough spoons to power through almost a whole year of work, and then I can’t take it any more. I start getting more and more sick, I want to cry more often and I am just not there. Going through the motions and I think people at work are starting to notice.

Lucky me however, my work period ends next week and I can’t wait. I need to rest and hopefully be able to see how my brain is working behind all the stress and panic. After changing the pills and everything too.

I’m gonna try and enjoy the coming weeks now, gonna eat good things, do cozy things and just be good to myself.

All the knowledge and no answer…

… is something that truly sucks. Each and every day I learn something new about myself and every day I learn that I don’t have the slightest idea how to fix it. I should know it right?

I try to force my intrusive thoughts out of my head, and sometimes it works but most often it doesn’t. It just makes me way more nervous and worked up. And this feeling of being pushed up against a wall grows to newer heights.

It doesn’t help whatever I’m doing in the slightest. And most times it ends up shutting me down into this mute mess of just anxiousness and I feel like crying more times than not.

Lately I’ve been thinking that it’s getting worse, that I’m going down this slippery slope that I can’t seem to control. But I can’t tell if it’s just me realizing more things about myself that makes me more aware or that it truly is going to hell for me.

Most times I hear that I should talk to a doctor about it while waiting for the diagnosis, but I don’t have the strength anymore. Just getting to someone who even remotely cares enough to actually help in the slightest is an impossible mission, one that I’ve gone through way more times now than I’d like to realize. You’d think by now that my backlog alone would make any doctor want to help but alas, I don’t seem to be that lucky.

I just wish I’ll get called sooner than later for the checkup and diagnosis because I don’t know what to do anymore besides hide under a rock.

New pills…

…are working and not working. Working in the sense that I still feel rather levelheaded and with the added bonus of actually feeling things. Not working in the sense that my highs and lows are hitting hard. Just as hard as before.

The good thing is that my moods are way shorter now, the bad thing is that it includes my happy moments. They come in short bursts but I cherish them so much.

I’ve noticed how my memory is getting a bit worse. Something can happen and it can be forgotten just as quickly. My memory has always been bad and it has dwindled a lot the last couple of years but I still could remember things, maybe because my anxiety made me dwell on them and now I don’t as much.

I don’t really know how to feel about it. Do I prefer dwelling on it with extreme anxiety or do I prefer just forgetting everything?

With the pills I had before, the bad moods would go on for weeks. Feeling low, sad, not in the mood for anything. Coupled with almost no good parts at all. So these new ones are better in that regard.

What’s your experience with different pills? How are you now?